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I. INTRODUCTION
Nothing can equal the joy of living in a happy home. This is the unspoken wish of every child who comes into the world. Yet many a home is only a house where the biting winds outside are more than matched by the cold criticisms that reign within. There is no more uncomfortable place to live than in a house where people are always miserable and unhappy. The stress and strain of having to live there will soon make even the most rugged individual sick and unhappy. Most of the illness we see today comes from broken families whose parents are divorced. The bitterness and misunderstanding bring on tensions that may result in serious disease. Therefore, anything that can be done to alleviate this suffering is worthy of our thought and study.
Divorce comes all too easy and is brought to be a solution to many problems, but it often raises more questions than it solves. Problems arise to plaque the family for the rest of its life. There may be times where divorce is the only answer, but before taking such step it is well to weigh the consequences with great care. This may not be the answer to a family’s problems. Rather it may be an admission that they have failed to make a sensible adjustment to life.
Is divorce ever good for you? Is it ever good for the children? In the short run the answers to questions is “no” for most people. In the long run, the answer varies. In other words, neither question has a simple answer.
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It’s desperately difficult living in a home where there is tension and quarrelling. You may not know it is all about. Many children are distressed when their parents divorce. Children under the age of 5 may react with rage and grief, as if they themselves were being divorced by their parents. Older children grasp the situation better but sometimes tend to blame themselves. Adolescents are likely to be angry with their parents and to feel socially embarrassed by the breakup. They feel guilty when their parents spit up. Not only it is unpleasant and painful for all members of a family, but the plain teaching of the Bible remains unchanged “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matthew 16.
The Bible speaks clearly against divorce “Take heed to yourselves, and let none prove unfaithful to the wife of his youth, for I detest divorce and cruelty to wife, the lord of hosts, the god of Israel, declares. Take heed then to yourselves, never be faithless.” Malachi 15, 16, Moffatt. This is why the Philippines, being a Catholic country, recognizes no divorce. However, there have been great numbers of broken marriages that there was a talk about legalizing divorce in the country.
This research will examine and discuss the process of “uncoupling”. It will look closely at what are some of the causes and correlates of divorce, the effects on spouses, parents, and most of all the children, and some of the historical backgrounds of divorce.
If our country legalizes no divorce and the Catholic Church disapproves of it, what should a couple do, then, when after marriage they begin to wish that they were not bound to each other by the solemn promises they made at the time of the wedding and only ending up hurting themselves and their children? Should parents separate for the sake of their kids?
II. DEFINITION OF TERMS
Do these words familiar to you? The following words will help in acquiring new ideas in your memory related to divorce.
Adultery. A sexual relation willingly undertaken between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse.
Androgynous. Showing both male and female traits, e.g. a woman who resembles a man in outward appearance.
Alimony. The payments ordered by the court for the support of the partner most in need.
Bigamy. The crime of being married to two wives or husbands at the same time.
Custody. Usually given to parents best able to care for the child.
Desertion. The act of or instance of leaving, especially leaving one’s husband or wife.
Divorce. A way of dissolving a legal marriage that permits the partners to remarry if they choose.
Joint custody. An arrangement in which both parents continue to share the responsibility for the care and raising of the children.
Mental Cruelty. The husband and wife constantly make each other unhappy and hurt each other’s feelings.
Separation. An arrangement approved mutually or by a court, under which a husband and wife live apart while remaining married, usually prior to divorce.
Socioeconomic Status. The higher your status the less likely you are to divorce.
Sole Custody. One of the parents is given the responsibility for the care and raising of the child.
II. PRESENTATION OF DATA
A. CONCEPTS OF DIVORCE
Some countries and places legalize no divorce. However, there have been many cases of divorce. Because of the great number of cases of live-ins among the young, there was talk about legalizing divorce and even abortion in most countries. A number of people feel that the best way to resolve the problems of adjustment is to wash their hands off them completely. To do this is to legalize divorce.
But what does it really mean? Divorce is a process that legally ends a marriage. Divorce differs from annulment, which is declaration by a recognized authority, the law of the church, that the marriage was never a true or valid one. Divorce involves the recognition that a marriage has irreparably failed and that at least one of the partners has no desire to continue the marital relationship.
Unsuccessful marriages may be dealt with in other ways. Almost every nation has a legal way to end marriages as well as to establish them. In some countries, simply the husband and wife stating that they want their marriages ended can obtain a divorce. But most society wishes to keep the family together, and divorce is not grunted unless there is a serious problem between husband and wife. This must be decided in the court.
There are two ways by which divorce may be viewed. At one extreme it may be interpreted as a foolproof of basic shortcomings of the modern family system. This view tends not only to analyze divorce as a sign of social disorganization but also to condemn divorced individuals to responsibility in furthering in the disintegration of the society.
At the other extreme, divorce may be viewed positively as an extension of freedom to marital relations. This view stresses the unhappiness of adults are trapped on an unfortunate marriage and argues that children can be even more seriously damaged in the conflict-ridden though still formally intact home.
B. HISTORICAL BACKGROUND
Before the 8th century, divorce as we know it was rare. During the medieval times in Europe, only an ecclesiastical or church court could grant divorce. Later this was changed and laws governing divorce were transferred from the church to the state. The divorce laws were further extended and made more liberal during the 1th and 0th centuries.
The Roman Catholic Church does not recognize divorced Catholics who remarry outside of the Catholic Church are no longer excommunicated. In some predominantly Catholic countries there is no divorce. The Protestants and Jewish faiths, while maintaining reverence for the marriage tie, find divorce acceptable. Muslim law permits the husband to end the marriage and remarry another whenever he wishes as long as he can support both families.
C. DIVORCE IN THE UNITED STATES
The early American settlers brought with them three different views on divorce the Roman Catholic view that marriage was a sacramental and that there could be no divorce; the English view that divorce was a legislative matter; and the Protestant view that marriage and divorce were secular matters to be handled by the civil authorities. Virginia and the southern colonies did not recognize divorce at all. By the 160’s, Massachusetts recognized seven grounds for divorce.
The Constitution of the United States did nothing to limit the rights of the states to enact their own laws governing marriage and divorce. Despite several efforts to amend the Constitution, to allow Congress to pass federal legislation on divorce, to this day the states retain separate laws. Because divorce laws vary from state to state, the “migratory divorce” developed couples could move temporarily to a sate where divorce was easier to obtain than at home.
Popular attitudes toward divorce changed as the United States became urbanized and more secular. The increasing acceptance of divorce that was reflected in court interpretations of existing laws and in new legislation enacted by the states two tendencies merged, making possible the establishment of new and easier grounds for divorce. The focus of the states divorce legislation shifted from specifying legal grounds for divorce to criteria concerning the breakdown of the marital relationship. This could be seen in provisions that allowed divorce to alcoholism, drug addiction, or nonsupport. Another tendency was to permit divorce if both parties gave evidence of their desire by voluntarily separating and living apart for a specified period of time.
D. THE PROCESS OF UNCOUPLING
What happens in a family that is in the process of breaking up? What stages bring an intimate relationship to the point of disruption? Researchers have identified a number of features in the process that are common to most divorcing couples. Varied names have been given to the stages of marital dissolution by researchers. In general, however, we can divide the process into four periods recognition, discussion, action, and postdissolution.
1. Recognition. It begins when one or both spouses become aware of serious problems. A spouse may feel discontent or dissatisfaction, and realize that the feeling is sufficiently strong to call the relationship into question. Frequently, recognition occurs when marital stress and open conflict are followed by a period of cold war between the spouses.
At the beginning of the process in the recognition period, there is a “secret”. One of the partners � the initiator � begins to feel uncomfortable in the relationship but doesn’t acknowledge this to his or her spouses. It seems the initiator that the world they “have built together no longer ‘fits’”. While there may be a time of stress and conflict preceding the recognition, the initiator may feel early on that the relationship was a mistake from the beginning.
At first, the spouse who recognizes the problem may not openly confront the partner, but rather expresses discontent by giving various cues and hints like disgruntled looks or omitted kisses. These cues and hints may be a way of trying to force changes and thus salvage the relationship. But eventually the initiator will begin to seek satisfaction in some kind of activity or interest outside the relationship.
. Discussion. Discussion is the period at which one or both spouses begin to share the marital problems with other friends, relatives, a counselor, and often the spouse. The discussion is not merely a sharing of information but an opportunity to redefine the relationship. The partner may be defined in negative terms and the history of the relationship may be reconstructed as series of negative experiences. Gratifying experiences also may be redefined “Yes, we had a good time on that trip but that was only because we were with friends.
Discussion with the partners involves the “breakdown of cover-up.” The initiator finally discloses his or her “secret”, and does so with sufficient force and clarity that the partner cannot deny the fact that the marriage is in serious trouble. With such confrontation, conflict increases, significantly in the discussion period. One of the functions of such conflict is to maintain the relationship for a time. Conflict at least means that there is interaction. But the conflict also serves to underscore that there are problems in the relationship.
During the discussion period, the discontented spouse will find a “transitional person,” someone who can help him or her to move from the old life to a new one. The transitional person may be temporary lover, but may also be a friend who can provide emotional support. The problem with the relationship has now become a public matter.
There may be some effort to save the marriage during this period. Once the confrontation has taken place and the problem is openly acknowledged, the non-initiating partner may ask for an opportunity to try to save the relationship. The initiator feels that he or she has already tried, but may be willing to give the partner a chance to try also. The initiator has been making the transition to (any change for the better. Yet in many cases the odds are against) a new life for a period of time. Yet in many cases the odds are against any change for the better. The initiator is already a somewhat different person, with a new ideology, perhaps new friends and new commitments. Many initiators tell their partners during this period, You don’t know me anymore. If the initiator has gone far enough in the process of transition to a new life, he or she may allow the partner to try to save the relationship but will not allow the partner to succeed. Letting the noninitiating partner try but fail can be a way of getting him or her to agree that the intimate bond has been severed irreparable.
. Action. In the period of action, one of the spouses secures a lawyer in-order to legally dissolve the marriage. Separation also is likely in this period, and may occur before and after a lawyer is consulted. The amount of time involved can vary considerably.
Separation, of course, does not always lead to divorce. The separation can be a cooling-off period that allows the couple to deal more rationally with their differences and effect reconciliation. Other couples get involved in a long-term, unresolved separation; nonwhites and those with lower incomes are most likely to fall into this category.
Difficulties mount once a lawyer is secured and the divorce petition is filed. At this point in the process, couples frequently struggle over such things as division of properties and child custody. Moreover, they often are anxious about the separation and have lingering uncertainties about whether dissolution is really in their best interest.
This period can also last much longer than people anticipate if there are disagreements about the settlement. For example, community property laws do not make financial settlements an automatic matter. Thus, there can be considerable wrangling over the division of property and intense bitterness about the outcome.
4. Postdissolution. The postdissolution periods begin when both spouses accept the fact that the marriage has ended. During this period the spouses probably will think about reasons the divorce and construct some acceptable rationale for what has happened. Many people do not accept completely the fact that the marriage has ended until the former spouse is coupled with a new partner.
E. THE SIXTH STATIONS OF DIVORCE
Paul Bohannan discussed divorce in terms of six “stations” or six different experiences that people are likely to have. Marriage, he pointed out, makes you feel good in part because, out of all those available, we have been selected by someone to be an intimate partner and divorce, by contrast, makes you feel “so awful,” in part, because “you have been de-selected”. To some extent, de-selection occurs in each of the six different stations of divorce.
1. Emotional Divorce. Involves a loss of trust, respect, and affection for each other. Rather than supporting each other, the spouses act in ways to hurt, to frustrate, to lower self-esteem. The spouses grate on each other. Each is visible evidence to the other of failure and rejection.
. Legal Divorce. In which a court officially brings the marriage to an end is the only one of the six stations that provides a tangible benefit to the partner’s relief from the legal responsibilities of the marriage and the right to remarry. The legal divorce can also help partners to feel free of other kinds of obligations, such as that caring for a sick partner. Legal divorce may follow a period of separation, but increasingly couples opt directly for divorce rather than a trial separation.
. Economic Divorce. Involves settlement of the property. The division of the property is rarely an easy matter. Actually, economic settlements were easier under the adversary system, where one of the parties was at fault and therefore is likely to be painful for at least three reasons.
a. There are never enough assets for each partner to feel that he or she is getting that are needed to continue living at a comfortable level.
b. There can be considerable acrimony over who gets what � the condo, silver, favorite painting and so forth.
c. There is likely to be a sense of loss as each partner realizes that he or she must live in the future without some familiar and cherished possessions.
4. Co-parental Divorce. Experienced by those with children � about two-thirds of all couples. Decisions must be made about who will have custody, visitation rights, and continuing responsibilities of each parent. This is perhaps the most tragic part of the divorce, particularly when the parents use their children as weapons against each other or even fall to protect them from the conflict and bitterness of the struggle.
5. Community Divorce. Each of the partners leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. A newly divorced person may feel uncomfortable with some of the friends he or she shared with the former spouse, especially if there is a feeling that the friends were more sympathetic with the former spouse. Relationship with former-in-laws may cease or become minimal and strained. The process of changing from on community of relationships to another is likely to be difficult and frequently leaves the individual feeling lonely and isolated for a period of time.
6. Psychic Divorce. Central separation that occurs the individual must accept the disruption of the relationship and regain a sense of being an individual rather than a part of intimate couple. Eventually, as the healing process takes place, the individual will begin to feel whole again. But he or she can only feel whole to the extent that the psychic divorce is final; that is, to the extent that there is a distancing from both the positive and negative aspects of the broken relationship.
F. CAUSES AND CORRELATES OF DIVORCE
What happens when people of different habits, attitudes, and backgrounds suddenly find themselves living together under the same roof, sharing meals and conversation, leisure-time activities, and sleeping arrangements? When two people marry and plan life together some form of adjustments must be made. This is also true even if husband and wife had the same environmental background, had gone to the same school, or had grown up together. There is still will be many things they would not agree on. A woman’s favorite color may be blue and her husband’s red. The wife may enjoy watching soap operas while the husband may prefer watching sports on television. Little differences in preferences and habits add up to greater annoyances that cause disharmony.
We have discussed the process of splitting up, but that doesn’t answer the question of why people divorce. Here are some factors
1. Sociodemographic Factors. We usually link divorce to the problems that have developed in marriage. If, for example, the impending divorce of a couple, you might ask what they have done to bring about the divorce. It is unlikely that you would link the divorce to their socioeconomic status, their race, their religion, or other sociodemographic factors, but social scientist have found that the probability of divorce varies according to such factors.
a.) Socioeconomic Status. There is an inverse relationship between socioeconomic status and divorce rates. That is, the higher your status the less likely you are to divorce. Higher status, of course, means higher income. Financial strains are very often on the list of sources of conflict in marriages. No doubt the financial pressures of those in lower income brackets add to the instability of their marriages. There is, however, one exception women in high-income and high-education brackets tend to have higher divorce rates than the other women. The reasons for this are not clear. Perhaps these women are economically secure and thus are free to end an unhappy relationship. Perhaps they are engaged in high-powered careers and find the conflict between work and family life unacceptable or perhaps the husbands cannot adjust to their wives’ career commitment and/or economic independence. In any case, they re an exception to the general trend.
b.) Age at Marriage. One’s age at marriage is related to marital stability. The younger you are when you marry, the greater are your chances of divorce, particularly during the first five years of marriage. Marriage at a late age also raises your chances of divorce, and in fact increases that likelihood for the fist fifteen years of the marriage. Early age probably increases divorce rates because of such things as immaturity, financial strains, and the partners changing ways that make them less compatible. Later age at marriage increases the chances of divorce, as have noted before, because of the greater likelihood that the union is a heterogamous one.
Statistics show, generally that men die earlier than women do. Many women are left widows when they are still very young. A woman in her thirties can marry a man five years younger than she is. In this age bracket, a five-year difference is almost never apparent except in physical appearance. A man of 5 can marry a girl of 0 with no great hindrance to happy marriage. But a ten-year difference in age can pose problems. It may not matter very much in the earlier years, but when the couple reach 40 and 50, or 50 and 60, the difference in appearance, energy, and interests can be very wide.
A 0-year difference can be tragic. In this marriage, a younger person eventually will find great frustration in the older person’s inability or disinclination to keep up with him or her recreational activities and in everyday living. The older the person will eventually experience great loneliness in the lack of mental companionship and shared interests and recreations.
c.) Social Integration. A state of relative harmony and cohesion in a group has an important source of support, a buffer against stress. We would expect, then, that social integration would help to minimize the divorce rates. There is evidence to support that conclusion.
Religious groups provide one source of social integration. In addition, religious places great value on the family. It is reasonable to expect, therefore, that the more religious people are, the less likely they are to divorce.
If social integration, such as that experienced by members of religious groups, tends to minimize divorce, the lack of integration should be associated with higher rates of divorce. One way in which people get into a less integrated situation is by moving to a different country or community. They are likely to be cut off from their friends and family and may not become an integral part of religious or other groups in new community for some time. Thus, there is an association between residential mobility and divorce rates. In region of the nation where there is a high rate of residential movement, there are higher rates of divorce. And it is probably this same phenomenon � the higher rate of mobility and lower likelihood of integration � which accounts for higher rates of divorce in urban areas.
d.) Changing Norms and Roles. Divorce has become more acceptable over time in some countries. They no longer limit the causes for which people get divorced. They no longer stigmatize the divorced person. In addition, Americans have increasingly emphasized the importance of personal happiness over marital stability. They marry in order to be happy. Thus, if their present marriage does not make them happy, they opt for divorce and look for happiness in new relationship.
In addition, the changing roles of women are associated with higher divorce rates particularly the increasing economic independence of women. Divorce rates have risen along with the increased rate of employment of women. Employment per se doesn’t add to the likelihood of divorce. Rather, there are at least two consequences of women’s employment that add to marital instability. First, wives and mothers working outside the home results in some additional strains family life. Second, financial independence provides women with the opportunity to free them from an unhappy marriage.
e.) Race. In the United States, blacks are more likely both to separate and to divorce than are whites. In fact, blacks have higher rate than any other racial group in the United States. The greatest differences between blacks and others occur in the lower socioeconomic levels, but they exist at all levels. Because of their experience of low income, job instability, and high unemployment rates, blacks have learned to depend less on marriage and more on the extended kin network for support. This may have established a cultural tradition in which marriage is less central and in which there is thus less commitment to the marital relationship. An alternative explanation is that blacks still have to deal likely to have a pile-up of stress or events in their lives. The pile-up, in turn, places greater strains on their marriages than on those of other races.
f.) Interracial Marriages. We are familiar with the interracial marriages made soon after the war years, as well as those happening today with the immigration of our professionals to countries offering lucrative opportunities. This kind of marriage involves the learning and understanding of different customs, taboos, specific behavior patterns, and food preferences and preparation.
Interracial marriage creates many complications. There is the problem of choosing where to live, of leaving old friends and relatives and forming new relationships, of having to raise one’s children in a home where racial differences between parents are evident. There are many successful interracial marriages, but it takes courage, maturity and love for a couple to surmount social and economical difficulties.
. Interpersonal Factor. These various sociodemographic factors are important, of course, because they have a bearing on the way that people interact. Ultimately, however, it is the interaction that leads to disruption. If we focus on the interaction itself, rather than on the sociodemographic variables that underlies the interaction, what do we find?
a.) Complaints. When divorce was an adversarial process, people listed all kinds of complaints in their petitions. In some cases their complaints sound trivial. For instance opening windows at night when the wife wants them closed; making derogatory remarks about the wife’s cooking; hiding the husband’s fishing tackle; and paying more attention to the pet cat than the husband. In a study of people applying for divorce in Cleveland, Ohio, Levinger found that the most common complaints of husbands were mental cruelty, neglect of home and children of wives were mental cruelty, neglect of home and children, infidelity, and sexual incompatibility. The most common complaints of wives were mental cruelty, neglect of home and children, financial problems, and physical abuse. A very small percentage of the spouses names “excessive demands” as one of their complaints. It is important to keep in mind that such complaints, because they were a part of court records, may have been framed in accord with what was legally admissible and legally forceful as well with actual complaints.
A number of more recent studies have into the reasons divorced people give for the breakdown of their marriages. In their review of such nine studies, Kitson, Babri, and Roach noted that eight extramarital sex as a reason for the divorce. It should be pointed out, however, that infidelity frequently occurs in a troubled marriage. Often an individual endures an unhappy marriage until he or she becomes involves in relationship, then, provides the basis for leaving the marriage. Four of the studies reported that personality and financial problems were important. Most of the rest complaints involved such interpersonal problems as the lack of communication, feeling unloved, too little family life, and conflict over rules.
b.) Conflict. Some marriages are characterized by intense conflict. The conflict is pervasive; the couple argues over nearly everything. The conflict may involve both severe (infidelity) and trivial (who takes the garbage out) issues.
Few, if any, people are comfortable and happy living in a situation of continual conflict. The situation may be compounded by a lack of conflict management skills. That is, partners may get into a vicious circle in which the in ability to resolve early conflicts acceptably only exacerbates sub sequent conflicts. Thus, a conflict that may begin over a trivial issue may be an opportunity to bring back a severe issue that is still unresolved.
c.) Infidelity. Too much infidelity is akin to adultery, the physical act of extramarital coitus. Many men and women look outside their marriage to satisfy emotional and psychological but not always sexual needs. Such individuals may be said to be engaging in infidelity though they themselves probably will dismiss these activities as in consequential to their marriages, as will their partners and society in general. On the other hand, sexual infidelity is likely to create disturbances in a marriage, especially if it is discovered by the spouse.
The infidelity of a spouse is always received with feelings of shock and bewilderment. Later on these feelings are followed by indignation. Though at times the wife is partly to blame, yet one will more likely lay all the blame on the husband. Experts have said that infidelity should be approached as one would any other serious problem.
d.) Changed Feeling, Personality, and Perspective. Although many divorced couples had a great deal of conflict in their marriage, many did not. The marital bond eroded from decay, not from war, the marriage ended because feelings changed � the couple no longer loved each other, no longer had respect for each other, or no longer enjoyed being together.
One of the possible reasons for the slow, nonconflicted erosion of marriage is changed perspective. We all change throughout our lives. Two people who begin a marriage with similar perspectives may find themselves changing in ways that make them less compatible. Their perspective diverges. They no longer enjoy doing the same things. They are no longer the same two people who were married and, unfortunately, neither likes very much the way that the other has changed.
Personality is the totality of the external manifestations and internal feelings of the individual. It includes his habits, behavior, thought patterns, emotional responses, moods, attitudes, reactions to people and situations, hopes, fears, aspirations and a myriad of the other things that make him an individual.
Since there are no two identical personalities, adjustment in marriage presents a problem. Most of us exhibit certain traits and types of behavior, which cannot easily be changed. And each individual’s behavior is the result of many contributing factors. This results in several personality types, which often clash. The surprising thing is that in spite of great differences in personality, couples do marry and make a go of marriage.
Basically, most conflicts in marriage exist because the two personalities of husband and wife are unable to achieve a common basis for making a satisfactory decision. Most of the difficulties arise from differences in habits and attitudes. However alike or different husbands and wives may be, they will have to make adjustments to each other’s ways or habits and preferences. The responsibility for making these adjustments falls upon each man and woman individually. Since marriage is the most intimate of all the social relationships, it is essential that each person be treated with utmost care and respect.
e.) Emotional Immaturity. One of the consequences of divorce is likely to be an increase in emotional problems. But not all problems are the result of the divorce. Some exist before and contribute to the deterioration of the relationship.
There are some patterns of behavior that may be thought of as mature and others as immature. One’s relative maturity depends upon a number of factors. An individual may exhibit both mature and immature behavior at the same time a person may be forty years old by the calendar but sixteen by some of his behavior patterns. He may be physically well developed, and may posses a high-grade intelligence and yet he may exhibit childish responses.
Adulthood is a social status; maturity is a level of development. In making marriage successful, there is no single factor more important than maturity. Since marriage is for adults only, immature persons ill surely make marriage flounder if not fail.
f.) Sexual Relations. Marriage as a recognized social institution sanctions the intimate physical relationship between husband and wife. It is the socially approved means of reproduction. As such, the sexual relation between a husband and wife is considered as an expression of their deeper emotional life together and their regard for each other, as well as nature’s way of providing offspring. Sex per se is considered neither good nor bad, clean or unclean, moral or immoral, beautiful nor ugly. It is simply sex � an attribute of all human beings. What is important is that the use of sex contains potentialities in life to foster happiness and to enhance a deeply satisfying completeness. For sex relationship not to become a source of conflict in marriage, the couple must have an adequate information on the sexual apparatus and its various ramifications to b able to acquire sexual harmony.
g.) Temperamental Traits. Well-adjusted people maintain their equilibrium even when the going gets rough. They swing neither to one extreme of violent anger nor to the other of apathetic coldness. The theory that temperament determines to a large degree one’s success in marriage does not imply that the individual can do nothing consciously to favor compatibility. Physiologists and psychologists cannot yet determine just how temperament is due to maturity and how much is due to immaturity.
h.) Jealousy. Jealousy is a natural provocative emotion when it gets out of hand; however, it defeats its purpose and can alienate a spouse’s affection without real justification. One will discover that jealousy implies fear � fear of losing the affection and fidelity of the other person. It is a fear reaction. Although sometimes it is considered as operating under the claw of love, yet the various expressions of jealousy are a clear indication of an individual’s feelings of inferiority and frustrations.
Jealousy must be of two types
1.) Necessary or justifiable jealousy - that which is based upon observation of the behavior of the spouse. For instance, the wife may feel helpless to hold her husband because he is obviously attracted to another woman.
.) Unnecessary or unjustifiable jealousy - that which is not based upon fact but only on the feeling of insecurity or suspicion of the jealous person. For example, the husband has exhibited no suspicious behavior, but then he talks with a woman who sits next to them at a dinner. The insecure wife may take this as sufficient cause to be jealous.
Jealousy is self-defeating when it gets out of hand because of the following reasons
· Love and fidelity cannot be forces through suspicion and surveillance. The only love worth having is that which is given freely and voluntarily.
· Even when justifiable, jealousy is not addresses to the true causes of infidelity.
· The other person resents the lack of trust.
· A jealous person is likely to be hard to live with and, therefore, likely to become unattractive.
· Jealousy tends to be a symptom of immaturity and is often part of behavior that is not conducive to happy marriage.
i.) Authority and Responsibility. Who should be the boss in the family? Who should wear the pants? The question of who should exercise authority sometimes brings about some tension in the family. In a truly democratic family, members are usually encouraged to take care of themselves to grow in their ability to assume adult responsibilities, and to use as much freedom differs from license, because with the latter the individual has no regard for whatever consequences may be.
j.) Recreation. Leisure time may be referred to as the “time that is free from economic pursuits, including homemaking. It is the time in which the individual has greater freedom of choice as to how it shall be employed”. Social conditions brought about legislation and technological progress have increased the amount of leisure available to both sexes.
It has been suggested be experts that there should be some definite plan of recreation for the average family. In the planning, the children must be involved, which means setting up of a family council where the children may participate. This setup can prevent needless friction between individuals, for it fosters cooperative spirit and regards each member on an equal basis. It also enables parents to train their children in the wise use of leisure, one of the recognized needs of the industrialized age in which we live.
In choosing a good form of recreation or in considering how members of the family should jointly spend their leisure hours, the following points are suggested
· The activity must cater to the higher self.
· It must have a good lasting effect.
· It must have a good purpose.
· It must respect the dignity of the human personality.
· It must contribute to the growth of the better self.
· It must be reasonable.
G. PROCEDURES FOR DIVORCE
The process of obtaining a divorce usually requires the husband and wife to engage lawyers. These lawyers represent their clients in court. There, when the couple have children, decisions are made concerning who will have custody of and who will support the children. In some cases parents agree to share custody.
Many divorces are granted on the grounds of cruelty or desertion. The two are not getting along because of serious differences in personalities and in likes and dislikes to which they cannot simply adjust. A non-fault divorce, when neither partner blames the other for an unhappy marriage, is becoming more common.
H. LEGALITIES OF DIVORCE
Even if divorce may be legalized in the Philippines, despite objections of the Roman Catholic Church, divorce litigation will not be easy. Couples for instance, who want their marriage dissolved have to find justification � usually adultery or an attempt on the life a spouse � to hold one party entirely to blame.
Divorce may be considered from several aspects besides its usual legal dissolution of marriage bonds. It may be viewed as a pathological condition in society. The couples are forced to “wash their dirty marital linen in public.” Moreover the legal process is said to be a sham because all parties involved � judges, lawyers and the couples themselves � realize that charges are made for no other reason than to comply with the state’s divorce laws.
I. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANNULMENT AND DIVORCE?
Like a divorce, an annulment is a court procedure that dissolves a marriage. But an annulment treats the marriage as though it never happened. For some people, divorce carries a stigma and they would rather their marriage be annulled. Others prefer an annulment because it may be easier to remarry in their church if they go through an annulment rather than a divorce.
Grounds for annulment vary slightly from state to state. Generally, they may be obtained for one of the following reasons
· Misrepresentation or Fraud. For example, a spouse lied about the capacity to have children stated that she had reached the age of consent or failed to say that she was still married to someone else.
· Concealment. For example, concealing an addiction to alcohol or drugs, conviction of a felony, children from a prior relationship, a sexually transmitted disease or impotency
· Refusal or Inability to Consummate the Marriage. That is, refusal or inability of a spouse to have sexual intercourse with the other spouse, or
· Misunderstanding. For example, one person wanted children and the other did not.
These are the grounds for civil annulments; within the Roman Catholic Church, a couple may obtain a religious annulment after obtaining a civil divorce in order for one or both spouses to remarry.
Most annulments take place after a marriage of a very short duration -- a few weeks or months, so there are usually no assets or debts to divide, or children for whom custody, visitation and child support are a concern. When a long-term marriage is annulled, however, most states have provisions for dividing property and debts, as well as determining custody, visitation, child support and alimony. Children of an annulled marriage are not considered illegitimate.
J. WHEN ARE MARRIED PEOPLE CONSIDERED SEPARATED?
Many people are confused about what is meant by separated -- and its no wonder, given that there are four different kinds of separations
a.) Trial Separation. When a couple lives apart for a test period, to decide whether or not to separate permanently, its called a trial separation. Even if they dont get back together, the assets they accumulate and debts they incur during the trial period are usually considered jointly owned.
b.) Living Apart. Spouses who no longer reside in the same dwelling are said to be living apart. In some states, living apart without intending to reunite changes the spouses property rights. For example, some states consider property accumulated and debts incurred between living apart and divorce to be the separate property or debt of the person who accumulated or incurred it.
c.) Permanent Separation. When a couple decides to split up, its often called a permanent separation. It may follow a trial separation, or may begin immediately when the couple starts living apart. In most states, all assets received and most debts incurred after permanent separation are the separate property or responsibility of the spouse incurring them.
d.) Legal Separation. A legal separation may result when the parties separate and a court rule on the division of property, alimony, children support, custody and visitation -- but does not grant a divorce. The money awarded for support of the spouse and children under these circumstances is often called separate maintenance (as opposed to alimony and child support).
K. EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON SPOUSES/PARENTS
This research paper began with the question, is divorce ever good for you? The probable answer could be either yes or no. There will probably be short-term negative effects. There may be long-term positive effects.
1. Positive Outcomes. There are also some positive results that may occur to divorce. Some people have felt worthwhile as a person, experienced growth and maturity, felt relieved, felt closer to their children and even felt competent. Although troubled by anger, insecurity, and depression, they had some positive experience as well.
In the longer run, most people will view divorce as a positive turning point, perhaps even a necessary step in their own well being. For instance, women believe that divorce set them on the road to autonomy for the first time in their lives. They had not established their independence before getting married. Women became that independent human being by leaving a marriage with a domineering man.
. Health Problems. Not all outcomes are positive, even in the long run. Problems with physical and emotional health are common among people who are in the process of divorcing. Moreover, sometimes these problems last for years or even decades after the divorce is final.
Although some emotional difficulties may be present before and contribute to a divorce, the process is sufficiently stressful to create such problems. Divorced people have higher rates of suicide, accidents, physical and mental health problems, and alcoholism. They also re less happy than those who are married.
The stress of a divorce is great because it involves the disruption of an intimate relationship. There is a sense of loss. There are uncertainties about the future, about the individuals network of relationships, and perhaps about the decision to divorce. The prospect of such a radical change in ones life tends to create a certain amount of anger, depression, and guilt. Interestingly, such feelings are likely to occur to those who initiate the divorce as well as to their parents. The difference is that the initiators are likely to experience the negative emotions earlier in the process.
How long do such negative emotions last? Typically, it takes anywhere from two to four years to work through a divorce. However, if the individual does not cope well, the problems may go on for decades or even a lifetime. Parents will tend to be chronically disorganized. They had problems meeting the demands of parenting. And frequently they leaned on their children for support; the children, in effect, became parents to their own parents.
. Financial Problems. Decision making about family spending is relatively easy if husband and wife share common social perceptions and expectations. In many families, economic decisions are a primary source of marital conflict. A man who has always dreamed of owning a house will have different concept of budgeting, spending, and saving than his wife who wishes to save for her children’s education. Similarly, a husband may find I hard to understand why his wife wants to go to the movies so often, and she, in turn, criticizes him for buying magazines, which he only hides.
4. The traditional arrangement among couples is that the husband gives his wife his entire salary for household and other expenses. This frees him from money responsibilities at home. Yet this may present difficulties because of the wife’s subordinate positions in the household. Turning over all the money to her with exception of the husbands’ personal expenses has definite limitations. The money may not be enough, in which case she becomes a niggardly nagger who has stretch an insufficient income to cover expenses.
Money is nearly always a problem for the newly married. The realistic wife knows that money is not elastic. Before thinking of extras and luxuries, she makes sure that such essentials as rent (or mortgage payment), food, and utilities are provided for. Then provision is made for obligations, such as debts for furniture. Then come the essentials � insurance, pocket money for the husbands, pin money for her. Only then can restaurant meals, movies, maintenance of a car and other luxuries be afforded. No young couple should risk their happiness trying to maintain a standard of living beyond their means.
L. EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
One of the reasons given by some people for remaining in an unhappy marriage is to protect their children. Most people are aware that divorce can be a very painful experience for children. Still it is always better for children if their parents marriage is intact? Just how painful is divorce for the children?
The harsh effects upon the children of a dissolved marriage are one of the most forceful arguments against divorce. For children divorce can be a bewildering and emotionally painful experience.
1. Short-term Effects. In the short-term children are likely to suffer a variety of physical and emotional problems when their parents divorce. In some cases, such as a family in which there was abuse or intense and constant conflict, the separation and divorce may be a relief rather than a traumatic experience. Most of the time, however, the short-term effects will be negative. In fact, parental separation is likely to create a crisis for the child for the child, but one that will diminish within the first six to twelve months. Among the negative consequences are
· Initial reactions to parental separation may include intense anger, fears about the future, and loyalty conflicts as the child is pressured to take sides in the parental battle.
· Physical health ratings of children from divorced families are lower than those from intact families.
· Children from divorced families are more likely to be depressed and withdrawn than those in intact families.
· Children from divorced families rate themselves lower in social competence.
· Intact-family children have fewer absences at school, higher popularity ratings, higher IQ, reading, spelling, and math scores and fewer behavioral problems at school than do children from divorced families.
The various consequences are understandable. Disruptions in intimate relationships are very stressful for all of us. Children are likely to be even more stressed because they have no control over what is happening to them and see no longer -term benefits to the disruption. Thus, they react with anger, depression, and anxiety, and this emotional turbulence interferes with other aspects of their lives.
. Long-term Effects. Fortunately, the picture is not as bleak when we look at longer-term consequences. There may be some positive outcomes for the children. For example, children in single-parent homes are more likely to be androgynous in their behavior. The pressures toward traditional gender roles do not seem to be as prevalent in single-parent homes tend to be more mature and to have a greater sense of their own efficacy. This is probably due to the fact that they take more responsibility for family life, doing some things that might otherwise be done by the absent parent.
In those cases in which family life was marked by intense, conflict, the children are likely to be better off in both in the short and long run. Children from divorced homes have higher rates of depression and withdrawal, but the rates are even higher for those who live in a home with persistent conflict than for those who live in a single-parent home. In fact, some of the negative consequences may be due to the level of conflict in the home rather than the divorce per se. Children will remain in an intact family with persistent conflict will suffer more than those whose parents divorce. However, there may be some negative long-term consequences.
If some of the effects are positive, others are neutral; that is, in the long run there are no differences between those who come from intact and those who come from disrupted homes. For examples, there are no variations in the self-esteem. Moreover, children from divorced families appear to be equally competent in social situations as those from intact families.
However, there may be some negative long-term consequences
· Those from disrupted homes score lower than those from intact homes on a measure of their sense of power.
· Those from disrupted homes are likely to attain less education, to marry at an earlier age, and to have a less stable marriage themselves.
· Those from disrupted homes view their families of origin in more negative terms.
· Divorce tends not to reduce attachment to the custodial parent but does reduce it with the noncustodial parent
· When the noncustodial parent is perceived as lost, the adult child is likely to be depressed.
· Those from disrupted homes report themselves as less happy than those from intact homes.
· Women from disrupted homes are less likely to marry than are women from intact homes.
· A study of women showed that those from disrupted has more difficulty trusting and relying on men than do women from intact homes.
· A long-term study reported that two-thirds of young women from disrupted homes developed anxiety as young adults, feared betrayal in intimate relationship, while 40 percent of young men from disrupted homes had, as young adults, no set goals and a sense of having limited control over their lives.
Divorce often produces trauma in the children of divorcing parents. The effects are particularly traumatic where children believed their parents’ marriage to be happy. Divorce turns the children’s world topsy turvy. The simple things that had been taken for granted are no longer simple eating meals and going on trips with both parents, curling up with either parent to read a book or watch television, kissing both parents to bedtime come to an end.
. Gender Differences. Will you handle a divorce of your parents better if you are a girl or a boy? One of the interesting conclusions to emerge from research is that girls tend to adjust more easily to divorce than do boys. Boys from divorced homes exhibit significantly more problematic behavior than do boys from intact homes; no such difference are found among girls. Boys who live with a divorced mother have even higher levels of depression and withdrawal than boys who live in an intact family with high, persistent conflict do. Boys also take a longer time to adjust than do girls.
They are various reasons why boys have more difficulty adjusting to a divorce. One factor to keep in mind that is boys tends to be more aggressive than girls at all ages. Both boys and girls from divorced families tend to be more aggressive than those from intact families are, but the increase may push the boys behavior past acceptable limits while an increase in a girls aggressive behavior might still not be labeled problematic behavior.
The main problem of boys may be the lack of same-sex parent. Most boys live with their mother. The need for a father seems to intensify during adolescence, when the boy, unlike the girl, has no same-sex role model in the home. There is some evidence that both boys and girls who live with the parent of the opposite sex are not as well adjusted in terms of social behavior. The problem of a son living with his mother may be compounded if the son reminds the mother of the father will whom she is still angry.
M. THE EMOTIONAL ISSUES AND CONSEQUENTIAL BEHAVIOR OF YOUTHS IN DIVORCE SITUATIONS
So if your parents are divorced, how does it affect you and what can you do about it? When parents split up, there can be many emotions that a youth may have to deal with. These feelings, internalized or expressed, will result in certain behavior.
1. DEEP HURT
Divorce hurts! It is the collapse of a God intended designs the family nucleus. Children can get robbed of a special experience and protection called Family. They move on in their lives as individuals without the understanding of what familial security and bond is. They look out into the world and wonder why it has dealt them a cruel card in life. Why me? Why cant it be Tim, the big bully? Surely he deserves it more than I do?
Having to deal with divorced parents can sometimes also be much harder than if one were to grieve their loss through death.
Some people, however, swing to the opposite end by denying that it affects them. They try to go on merrily in their lives projecting an image that they are handling it well. The truth is, there is a world of difference between what one experiences in a healthy family versus one that is broken. It does not, however, spell condemnation or doom in your life. You can do something about it. The operative word here is do. This implies that you need to take time to identify the feelings and thoughts that are running through you. To ask all the questions you need to ask, and then allow yourself to grieve through this loss. Only when you know what you feel can you learn to overcome it, and move on with better strength, courage, and hope. Healing is necessary. Do not shortchange yourself.
. ANGER & BITTERNESS
While hurt is something internal and private, anger on the other hand, is an expression or your hurt turned towards others. It is not wrong to feel angry. If someone is continually hurting you and does not want to be fair towards you, it is only natural that you get upset and angry towards that person. The sinful part only occurs when you begin to translate this anger into hate by trying to retaliate, or when you harbor a deep seated bitterness that is not willing to seek forgiveness and reconciliation actively. In Ephesians 46 we read that we should not sin while we may be angry, and that we need to resolve or release this anger as soon as possible. Note that it did not condemn anger per se. It talks about letting this anger linger on until it turns cancerous and deadly and results in sin - when we take justice into our own hands.
Anger is natural. Learn to accept the fact that people are not perfect and sometimes we get caught in circumstances that cause us pain, even though we do not deserve it. Surrender this anger over to the Lord in prayer and allow Him to minister to this internal pain so that you may be able to forgive, and in the process of your own healing, learn even to relinquish and love those who have wronged you. It can be tough to do, but this is the true Christian conduct - that we do not deny our God-given human emotion, but learn to take responsibility for it and at the same time, committing the persons whom we feel angry about to the love and care of our Lord.
. GUILT
In some instances, children may feel responsible for their parents’ divorce. This could be due to the fights that the parents may have over them. Sometimes, parents openly declare to them that they are splitting up because of irreconcilable differences on parenting. Other parents may blame the child for their breakup because they may feel that the child has added more stress in their marriage, causing them much emotional tension and loss of time for each other.
All of these reasons given are NOT valid. You are not responsible for your parents breakdown in their marriage. They are. Whatever stress they may have encountered because of you (assuming that this was true), it is still their responsibility to deal with it. If necessary, they should seek help. To put blame on the child for their actions is cowardly. If they have been unable to manage a situation and have been irresponsible, then it is they who should face the guilt not someone else.
4. SHAME & INFERIORITY
A loss of family identity often makes one feel inadequate or incomplete. The truth of the matter is, none of us are, whether we come from a broken home or no. It is only in Christ that we find completeness.
Many children from broken families often feel inferior to others. Sometimes, people around are ignorant and ask questions like Its fathers day today, where is your dad? or How come you are sometimes contacted at this number and other times at another number?” This innocent questions often forces the child to face the painful reality of his family situation over and over again. Even the forms that you fill sometimes require you to state your parents names, their addresses, their marital status and their relationship to you.
Do you not let the evil one put you in constant shame. Claim the verses in Romans 81-4 where we are told that there is therefore no more condemnation for those who are in Christ, because of the power of His death on the cross and His resurrection. We do not need to live in shame and feel like failures. Life is abundant with Jesus; there is still so much more to live for.
5. LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Children from divorced families often feel rejected. The feeling that one has been abandoned by the two closest people in the world often leaves scars that are difficult to heal. The child is left to try to understand why these two people cannot stay together and may even personalize the blame because they feel that they are not good enough to bring them back together.
Dealing with low self-esteem requires absolute honesty to establish an accurate picture of which we are, positive or otherwise. This means that we do not try to deny that we have problems. We accept that this is the case. However, we push this further by asking ourselves what these problems really mean in our lives and what we can do about it. Often, when one goes through this process, it is evident that the consequences are not as bad as they seem to be. Life goes on. You still have the ability to integrate into the larger scheme of things. The fact is, most people are not the slightest bit concerned whether you are from a broken family or not. They just accept you as you are. If they don’t, then it is they who have a problem, and you can pray for them instead of getting unnecessarily hurt.
N. HELPING CHILDREN COPE
The short-term reactions children experience are expected and normal. Children need to express their worries and concerns about the divorce. They may need to discuss this with both parents several times as new concerns arise. Listening to childrens worries and allowing them to feel sad or angry is an important healing process. When children become stuck in these emotions for a long time and dont seem to be getting beyond the hurt, parents should ask for help.
Family counselors or psychologists can help by getting children to express themselves. Helpful advice for divorced parents and children of divorced parents include the following
1. Advice for Divorced Parents
· Work as Co-Parents and remember that a person may not be a good marriage partner but can still be a good parent.
· Communicate - Inform the other parent of events or situations, when something happens before they hear it from the children. Never use the children as messengers.
· Coordinate with the other parent. Have time-sharing plans all mapped out on calendars. Coordinate about discipline, make rules ahead of time regarding grounding and restrictions. They dont have to be the same in both households, but both parents should agree on major limitations. Coordinate efforts in encouraging children to have contact with both parents. This will avoid loyalty issues.
· Compromise. This is especially hard when anger exists between parents. However, compromise and meeting the other parent halfway set good examples for children.
. Advice for Children of Divorced Parents
· Children have a right to both parents.
· Children should tell their parents how they feel and what they want.
· If children want to make changes in how they spend time with their parents or where they live, they should first to the parent they are afraid of hurting.
· Children should always tell their parents whenever they feel uncomfortable in any situation.
· It is not always possible to get both parents to work together, but with at least one parent willing to be flexible, the potential outcome for the children is still better than the two fighting.
· While parents should insist on the children having regular contact with the absent parent, the children should have no choice in this (unless there is abuse or neglect). Visitation should be thought of as necessary, similar to attendance at school. At the fathers home, children need to feel as if they belong; being treated as a guest is unrewarding for all. Children need chores and restrictions as well as sharing in the fun family times.
O. SHOULD PARENTS STAY TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS?
This question is asked often and most experts agree that this is not the best solution to the problem. Children subjected to constant arguing; fighting and cool standoffs are worse off than children are whose parents have a civilized divorce. Children suffer even more if after a divorce their parents continue to fight. Sometimes the battles escalate and for some children the warring never ends. Often after a divorce, just being in separate household will ease up the fighting.
Children should be told about the divorce by both parents, hopefully at the same time, and what is toldPlease note that this sample paper on Divorce is for your review only. In order to eliminate any of the plagiarism issues, it is highly recommended that you do not use it for you own writing purposes. In case you experience difficulties with writing a well structured and accurately composed paper on Divorce, we are here to assist you. Your persuasive essay on Divorce will be written from scratch, so you do not have to worry about its originality.
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